I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
