I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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