She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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