I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
