STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
