Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
