She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
