Little spoons don't ask big questions
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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