When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
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Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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