How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
