How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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