Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
no you cant smoke seaweed
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
