I just made out with a guy for $7.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
