apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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