Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
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I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
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We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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