NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
