You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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