am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
