Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
