Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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