i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
