I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
