No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
