cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
