I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
