I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Congratulations! We have a period
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
