i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
