I need help removing her.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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