More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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