I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
