I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
