I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I need moral support for this bender
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
