whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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