I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
