Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
