New invention idea: vibrating tampons
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
