just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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