you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
