Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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