I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
