All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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