Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
