i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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