Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
