There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
