just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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