theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
