wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
