Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
