i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize