I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
