I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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