When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
