I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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