someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
