Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
