i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
