yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
