We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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