toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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