It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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