Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
