is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
