Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
