It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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